Christmas Wars — Where do we spend Christmas?

Published by Angela | Filed under Relationships

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year… or is it?   Where you go to spend Christmas can be charged with conflict, tension, pressure and manipulation.  Once you’ve left home and have your own family this decision can cause a great deal of inner turmoil. You don’t want to hurt your in-laws or your parents but you don’t know how to keep them both happy.  So you split the day up and come home exhausted from trying to keep everyone happy.  You vow next year to do what YOU want to do.

 As a parent left at home alone we are at the mercy of our children’s decisions; or we manipulate to get our way.  I realize none of us would manipulate – or would we?  The manipulator, no matter what personality, tries to play on the emotions and make their son or daughter feel guilty for not coming home for Christmas.  What’s a couple to do?

My Pastor husband always covers this territory in his pre-marital counseling because it’s a mine field waiting to explode.  The wife has always celebrated Christmas at Grandma Antonelli’s with not just immediate family but Aunt’s and Uncles,  Cousins and Nephews, Great Aunts,  and Great. Great  Grandparents.  Hubby’s used to a quiet Christmas with his family of four.  This is a recipe for disaster if not discussed beforehand. 

Christmas is a family holiday and should be spent with family.  With a little bit of planning ahead and compromise you really can come to a place of least conflict.  Our children take turns being with us or with in-laws.  Fortunately, only one couple is gone on any given holiday.  So, this year its Aaron and Jen’s turn to go to the Majure Christmas Celebration in New Castle, PA.  We will miss them but celebrate together once they return.  Ryan and Rachel spent Thanksgiving with the Russels and their Aunts and Uncles, cousins and nephews, great Aunts and Uncles and Great, great Grandparents – you get the idea.  But next Thanksgiving they will be here.

The real problem happens when all the relatives live in the same general area and you’re expected to spend a little bit of the holiday with each group.  Hmm…now what do you do with four sets of relatives to visit?  One group may be more vocal and expect more of you than the other and the squeaky wheel gets the attention.  Try not to allow this to happen.  Why not make a plan and stick with it no matter how much they complain.   Plan ahead to spend Easter with Grandparents,  Thanksgiving with one side of family and Christmas with the other side.  Then change it for next year.  Once you have children of your own start inviting the parents to your own home and give them a break. 

You really can’t please all the people all the time.  If in-laws and parents know that you are taking turns they will adjust eventually.  Its really not fair to allow one side of the family to dominate just because the family has always gotten together on Christmas eve with the grandparents.  It’s time to shake it up and start new traditions and take turns.  Maybe even one Christmas at home alone… now that’s a thought. 

With some firm, open communication and planning ahead you really can avert those Christmas wars for your time and attention.  The first person to complain may be the manipulator so be careful.  Christmas is a time for family and the two of you really are a family.